Movies Plus Rangers Equals Comedy
by EpicRangerHalt
Summary: This is when I find funny parts in movies and fit them into Ranger's Apprentice. Hope this turns out funny :P First fanfic ever, please read and review! Suggestions are welcome. (As long as I've seen the movie) Disclaimer: I don't own Ranger's Apprentice or any of the movies I used.
1. Chapter 1

**Jump and Fail**

Will turned on his heel to face Umar. "We need to get going," he stated. "If we aren't quick, the others could be dead before we can help."

At that, he whistled for Tug, and the faithful gray pony trotted up, facing away from Will. So, Will attempted to jump onto his horse from behind him.

But, it was a complete, utter fail. He just banged into the pony's backside, and flopped down.

Umar sighed and shook his head. "Man, white men can't jump."

**Elevate Me**

Will dangled on the rope outside of Alyss' tower in Castle Macindaw.

"Elevate me," he whispered to the tall blonde.

Alyss glanced around awkwardly. "R-right here, now..?"

Will blinked and answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Yes, of course, help me in."

Alyss visibly reddened.

"Oh! Help you in! Oh, yeah, right. . ."

Will moved uncomfortably to a new position. "Awkward. . ."

**Have I Threatened You Before?**

The bandit stood before the small figure of Halt. "Do you know who I am?"

Halt studied the man for a moment.

"You look familiar. Have I threatened you before?"

**No Eating On Horseback**

Horace was eating the leftovers from his breakfast, steering Kicker with his knees, when Will gave him a disgusted look and made a grossed-out sound.

"Ew, Horace, I can actually _hear_ you getting fatter!" he said disdainfully when his friend made a loud crunching noise as he gnawed on the bacon.

Horace replied, thinking about what to say, slowly. "You're the one who's getting fatter."

When Will raised an eyebrow at him, he muttered: "Shut up, Will."


	2. Chapter 2

**Mikeru's Lookout Fail**

Will inched closer to the foothold, realizing that the lookout position was farther away than he had thought.

He turned to Halt, his eyes asking the older Ranger what to do.

Halt smirked. He would enjoy this.

"I don't know if you can make it, Will, it's a long way away," Halt said with a smile playing on his face.

Will looked over again, and looked back quickly.

Will shifted and muttered: "Toss me."

For once, both of Halt's eyebrows shot up in question.

"What?"

Will scowled and said, louder this time: "I need you to toss me."

Halt's evil grin broadened- looking a bit like a wolf snarling- and he leaned over slightly to grab his ex-apprentice. But Will's hand stopped him, causing Halt to use his famous brow-raised look.

"Don't tell Horace," Will said, a little fearfully.

Halt half smiled. "Not a word."

**The Three Rangers!**

Gilan, Halt and Will were surrounded by cutthroats.

Halt whispered to the leader: "Tell us 'we will die like dogs'," and the other two nodded.

The leader blinked and said hesitantly: "You will die like dogs. . ."

Halt answered in a dramatic voice: "No! We will not die like dogs, we will fight like lions!"

The bandits just stared at them, completely baffled.

At that, the three said in unison: "'Cause we're. . . _the Three Ranger_'_s_!"

They started riding their horses around in circles, shooting their arrows into the air.

The leader laughed. "I like these guys! They are funny guys."

He leaned over to his second in command. "Just kill one of them."

The other cutthroat nodded and loaded his crossbow, aiming and firing at Halt.

He fell off of Abelard, and just lay there, nursing his arm.

Will called time, and he and Gilan ran to their former mentor.

They helped him up and dusted him off, but when Gilan reached his right arm, Halt cried out. "OW! OW!"

He touched his arm, and found blood on his fingers. He held them up to the bandits.

"Wait a second," Halt growled, strutting up to the second in command. He gestured to the crossbow bolts. "Let me see that."

When the man hesitated, Halt made an impatient gesture. "Come on, come on!"

The leader nodded to him, and he handed Halt a bolt.

Halt studied it and let out a loud, exasperated sigh. He called to his companions: "Real bolts!"

The two groaned and Halt looked up to the second in command, showing a bit of fear. He gulped and said to the bandits: "Excuse me. . ."

He walked to the others and whispered: "This is real."

Will shifted. "What. .?"

Halt gestured to the circle of enemies. "This is _all _real."

They started crying.

"I've already been shot. . ." Halt whimpered.

The other two nodded and Will choked out: "I know. . ."

Gilan sniffed. "What're we gonna do?"

Will half-whimpered, half-snapped: "Well, we're not gonna get paid, that's what!"

Halt turned on his heel and walked to the leader.

"Y-you see, we're not fighters, we're actors."

The leader stared at him. "Actors?"

Halt nodded. "You know, we entertain."

The other man sneered. "I only kill men, not crying women."

They began to back away, breathing heavily and thanking them over and over.

"Now go, you big. . . 'actors'."

They backed away more, and the bandit yelled: "FASTER!", and fired his crossbow into the air, sending them scrambling to their horses, and galloping away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Son of a *Beep***

Alyss called out the door to Will: "Will, dinner!"

Will poked his head through the leaves of the tree at the Ward. "Coming!"

He climbed down quickly, jumping when he got to the lowest branches, and ran to the door.

But, the door was clear glass (yes, I know in the story it wasn't, but it works for this one :P), so poor little Will ran into the door and stumbled back. "Son of a bitch!"

When he caught Alyss staring at him weirdly, his face reddened to the shade of a ripe tomato.

"Sorry. . ."

**Sharpening**

Crowley was sitting outside of his tent in the gathering grounds, sharpening an arrow, when Halt's young apprentice, Will, trotted over.

"Hey, Crowley!" Will called, skidding to a halt on the leaves.

Crowley smiled up at the apprentice. "Hello, Will. What brings you here?"

Will looked questioningly at the arrow he was sharpening. "Can I try?"

Crowley nodded, his smile widening. _Apprentices_, he thought, _always so curious._

Will grinned and took the arrow and rock that the Commandant offered him.

He ran the rock down the arrow head, but poor Willers did it too hard and too fast. He ran it down again, and it went flying out of his hand.

It almost stuck one Ranger in the arm, banged into a tree, went down and hit a rock, and flew the other way, out of sight.

Crowley stared in the direction that the arrow flew and turned to the apprentice, his brow raised in wonder. "Nice distance."

Will smiled sheepishly and ran away, calling over his shoulder: "Thanks, see ya!", leaving Crowley to deal with the Rangers who were staring in his direction.

**How to Make Friends**

Halt smirked. If he was going to enjoy having an apprentice, then he had to see some violence. What fun was living with someone for five years without the fighting?

Halt nodded to a bigger, well-muscled apprentice. "Punch him, it's how Rangers say hello." On the outside, his face was expressionless, but inwardly, he was grinning like a maniac.

Will blinked. "Oh, okay."

Will walked up to the taller apprentice and punched him.

Another apprentice, who was on the plumper side, caught him as he fell. "Oh, Collin, you made a friend!"

Will heard a voice beside him. "Slap him in the behind, they like that."

_Halt,_ Will thought. _He seems to have the answers to everything._

He did as he was told, slapping the boy who was called "Collin" on the behind.

The other boy snarled and lunged at him.

But Will ducked under his fist, so that he punched the tall, lanky apprentice behind him.

"Oh, sorry, Aaron," the muscled apprentice apologized, but Aaron ignored the apology, jumping at Collin and bowling him into the plump one.

Will ran off quickly, but Aaron looked up and yelled: "Hey, there he goes!", causing all three of the apprentices to chase after him.

Soon enough, all fifty Rangers were involved in the fight (plus apprentices), except for Crowley and Halt, who were standing to the side, leaning against a tree.

"Think we should stop them?" Crowley asked his friend, not looking away from the scuffle.

The grizzled Ranger shook his head. "Nah, I find it entertaining, don't you?"

Crowley nodded. "You used the old 'making friends' prank, didn't you?"

Halt smiled vaguely. "Of course."


	4. Chapter 4

**Flying Apprentice**

Old Bill watched as Will veered around and raced back to the pasture as breakneck speed.

There was a flash of gray as the horse he was on, Tug, ran past and skidded to a stop.

But, Will wasn't holding on tight enough. He went flying off of the saddle like a rocket, crashing into the fence and sliding down, landing in a small, moaning heap.

Old Bill and Halt raced to the apprentice and helped him up, dusting him off.

"You okay, Will?" Halt queried.

Will swayed and replied in a distant, tired voice: "Yeah, I'm fine. . ."

Halt turned to Old Bill. "Well, what do we do now?"

But before he could answer, Will interrupted: "Let's take a five minute break. . ."

Halt and the older man shrugged and nodded. "All right."

Will turned his head to Halt. "Smoke if you got 'em. . ."

At that, he fell down and blacked out.

**A Leap of Faith**

Alyss stood at the balcony, waiting for her horse, Lady.

The white horse trotted into view, standing beneath the balcony, so Alyss could jump down.

Alyss sat on the rail and slipped off, falling and landing gracefully in the saddle.

She rode off into the forest, and soon disappeared.

Horace stared after her, and got an idea. He whistled for his horse. "Kicker!"

The black battlehorse rode into view and stopped where the white mare had stood.

He, with some difficulty, climbed onto the rail and sat, inching to the side so that he was right over the saddle.

Kicker whinnied and tossed his head. _Is he _crazy?

Horace dropped down, but Kicker stepped out of the way, and Horace fell onto the sidewalk.

When he stood, there was a pothole where he had landed.

He grabbed Kicker's reigns and stood eye-to-eye with the horse, but the battlehorse shifted, not looking at his master.

"Kicker," Horace snapped in a demanding tone.

Kicker stood still and raised his eyes to look at Horace.

"If I were you, I would _never_ do that again!" Horace growled, a gleam in his eyes. "Any questions?"

Kicker shook his head, as if saying no.

"Good."

Horace put his foot in the stirrup and hoisted himself into the saddle.

Horace snapped the reigns against Kicker's neck and they set off, Horace's forehead colliding with Kicker's neck as he galloped away, his master jolting in the saddle. It was gonna be a long ride.


	5. Chapter 5

**Boat Troubles**

Erak was sitting on a little boat that he had borrowed from a friend with a pretty woman he had been seeing lately, Helge.

But, there was a problem. There wasn't any wind.

"This is ridiculous, I can't believe there isn't any wind," sighed Erak.

Helge smiled. "No, it's great. It's very peaceful."

Just then, as if on cue, three twelve-year-old boys ran to the shore, one of them yelling: "Hey, tub-o! You ain't moving!"

Erak, not wanting to yell in front of Helge, instead shouted back with a smile: "Yeah, need a little wind here!"

"No, you need to drop a couple hundred pounds, blimp!"

Erak forced a chuckle and turned to Helge. "Rascals."

"I guess that's your theory," he yelled to them, hoping to end it there.

But, the kids had other plans.

"Hey, your sail is limp, like your dick!"

Erak's anger boiled over, so he turned to them once more, and snarled at them. "Watch your language in front of the lady, punk!"

He turned back. "Geez! You were saying?"

"Hey, Gilligan, did you eat the Skipper?"

Erak's face went a shade of deep red as he stood to face them, making the boat tip more. "You kids better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, 'cause I'll come over there and shove an oar up your ass!"

The skirl sat back down, rocking the boat, and muttered: "Sorry."

"Hey, lady, look out, there's a fat whale on your boat!"

"Yeah! Free Willy!"

Helge decided enough was enough. She stood and faced the three, her face showing anger. "Look, you little spazzoids, I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep! I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!"

They gawked at her for a fraction of a second, then took off toward Hallasholm, stumbling and pushing each other to get away.

Helge sat down again, her lips pursed. "I was just kidding. I have no idea where they live."

Erak stared at her, and after a few seconds, he face broke out in a wide grin. "That was _awesome_!"

**Housekeeping**

Will plodded up the stairs of the inn toward the room that he and Horace were sharing. It had been a long day, so he was ready to lie down and sleep. After a little fun.

Will stopped outside of the door, a smirk creeping over his face.

He knocked on the door. "Housekeeping."

He heard the muffled reply from the other side of the door: "No, thank you. Sleeping."

The smirk grew as he knocked again. "Housekeeping."

"Could you come back here in an hour?"

He knocked AGAIN. "Housekeeping. You want towel?"

"No towels, need sleepy."

And _AGAIN. "_Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?"

"Please, go away! Let me sleep, for the love of god!"

This is just getting ridiculous. "Housekeeping. You want me jerk you off?"

Horace sat straight up, his blonde hair tousled from sleep. "What kind of inn is this?"

He stood up and marched to the door. "What the hell are-oh, it's you."

Will grinned. "Good morning, Sunshine."

**Arm Guard**

Will leaned against a tree, watching Halt train his new apprentice, Michael.

Halt tossed him an arm guard. "Put this on your arm. Shoot an arrow without this thing on and I'll crack your head open and scoop your brains out."

Michael's eyes widened and he turned to Will, his eyes asking whether or not he was pulling his leg. Will grinned and nodded, leaving the boy officially terrified of his mentor.


End file.
